The $900 Lesson: Listening to My Soul (Not the Crowd)

I’ve been meaning to tell you this.
Not because I think I have answers—but because maybe you’ve felt it too.

Over the past 2.5 years, I paid Planet Fitness $900.
Thirty bucks a month, every month.
And if I’m being honest?
I probably showed up enough times to fill, like, one decent month—cumulatively.
Yep. $900 for guilt. $900 for shame. $900 for the heavy weight of "I’ll start Monday."

Meanwhile, every time I spend $30 on getting my nails done—this small, silly thing that actually brings me joy—I tell myself, "Ugh, what a waste."
Funny, isn’t it?

We think spending on our happiness is irresponsible.
But throwing money at guilt?
That's what the world tells us is "discipline."

And here’s the thing I realized:
It’s not that I hate moving my body.
I hate forcing myself into fluorescent gyms when what I really crave is fresh air and open skies.
I don’t want treadmills.
I want trails.
I want wind in my damn hair.

If I had just asked myself one honest question sooner—
"Does this make me happy?"
—maybe I wouldn’t have had to buy a year’s worth of regret.

Maybe you’ve had that moment too.
That moment where you realize you’re not tired because you’re weak—you’re tired because you’re swimming against yourself.

I used to think authenticity was some big, scary leap.
But maybe it’s just tiny moments where you stop pretending.

Like asking yourself,
"Am I drinking this coffee because I love it, or because I’m too exhausted to function?"
"Am I walking into this workout with excitement—or dread?"
"Am I doing this for me—or because I’m scared of what people will say if I stop?"

No bullet points. No guidebooks.
Just one small, brave question at a time.

That’s how I’m learning to listen to my soul again.
It’s messy and slow.
It’s imperfect.
But it’s mine.

And maybe, just maybe, you needed this reminder too:
You’re allowed to stop fighting yourself.
You’re allowed to choose the thing that actually feels like home.

“Joy doesn’t have to be justified.”

Even if it’s $30 nails instead of a $30 guilt trip.

Especially then.