The $900 Lesson: Listening to My Soul (Not the Crowd)

I’ve been meaning to tell you this.
Not because I think I have answers—but because maybe you’ve felt it too.

Over the past 2.5 years, I paid Planet Fitness $900.
Thirty bucks a month, every month.
And if I’m being honest?
I probably showed up enough times to fill, like, one decent month—cumulatively.
Yep. $900 for guilt. $900 for shame. $900 for the heavy weight of "I’ll start Monday."

Meanwhile, every time I spend $30 on getting my nails done—this small, silly thing that actually brings me joy—I tell myself, "Ugh, what a waste."
Funny, isn’t it?

We think spending on our happiness is irresponsible.
But throwing money at guilt?
That's what the world tells us is "discipline."

And here’s the thing I realized:
It’s not that I hate moving my body.
I hate forcing myself into fluorescent gyms when what I really crave is fresh air and open skies.
I don’t want treadmills.
I want trails.
I want wind in my damn hair.

If I had just asked myself one honest question sooner—
"Does this make me happy?"
—maybe I wouldn’t have had to buy a year’s worth of regret.

Maybe you’ve had that moment too.
That moment where you realize you’re not tired because you’re weak—you’re tired because you’re swimming against yourself.

I used to think authenticity was some big, scary leap.
But maybe it’s just tiny moments where you stop pretending.

Like asking yourself,
"Am I drinking this coffee because I love it, or because I’m too exhausted to function?"
"Am I walking into this workout with excitement—or dread?"
"Am I doing this for me—or because I’m scared of what people will say if I stop?"

No bullet points. No guidebooks.
Just one small, brave question at a time.

That’s how I’m learning to listen to my soul again.
It’s messy and slow.
It’s imperfect.
But it’s mine.

And maybe, just maybe, you needed this reminder too:
You’re allowed to stop fighting yourself.
You’re allowed to choose the thing that actually feels like home.

“Joy doesn’t have to be justified.”

Even if it’s $30 nails instead of a $30 guilt trip.

Especially then.

Where is the balance?

A small messy musing on control, nature, and the contradictions of life.

I’ve been thinking about balance lately — and how clueless I still am about it.

We’re always told, "Balance is the key to a peaceful life." Parents tell children. Teachers tell students. Society preaches it constantly.

But when I look at nature?
Where’s the balance there?

Some countries are freezing cold. Others are burning hot.
Here in Alberta, Canada, it’s almost the end of June — and it’s still 5 to 15 degrees Celsius.
Meanwhile, my parents in India are sweating through 45-degree heat.

You don’t even need a stove to make an omelet in India right now. Just crack it on a car hood.

So how do we teach ourselves — or our children — that "balance" is natural when even the universe seems to operate in extremes?

Is balance even real?
Or is it just another thing we’ve been taught to chase?

I don’t have the answers.
But I’m still asking the questions.

Finding My Voice (and Painted Nails)

Some days are small victories. And those are worth celebrating too.

 If you ask me why I’m writing this blog — honestly, maybe it’s not for anyone but me.

My website isn’t famous. There’s no spotlight. No expectations.
I can speak my heart out without worrying who’s watching — and that's exactly the point.

Every blog post is a tiny act of rebellion.
A step closer to finding my voice.

Also, I got my nails done yesterday. Shellac, not regular polish — because I wash my hands a thousand times a day, and regular polish dies in two.

Today, because of something as small as painted nails, I love myself 1% more.

And maybe that’s enough for today.

Healing Prayer

Sometimes, a small moment of grace finds you when you least expect it.

While scrolling Instagram (aka procrastinating), I stumbled upon a story by artist Lesley Grainger. She shared this beautiful prayer rooted in metaphysics, said to unlock healing:

I am love.
I am health.
I am peace.
I deserve to be loved, happy, and healthy.
Today, the healing of body, mind, and spirit begins.
I forgive myself for my past mistakes — I didn’t know better at the time.
I forgive others who hurt me — they couldn’t be what I needed.
I release resentment and free my future.
I stop judging myself and others.
I hand over my pain to the Universe, to be transformed into love and peace.
I accept today with patience and start to heal.

I saved it immediately.
Maybe it will help you too.
Maybe today can be the day something starts to heal.

Yesterday & Today!

Another snapshot from the messy middle of figuring it all out.

 Yesterday, I had so much to say.
Yesterday, my mind was on overdrive.
Yesterday, I wanted to write for a month straight.
Yesterday, I thought inspiration would never run out.

Today, I can’t think of a single thing worth writing.
Today, I wonder why I even started.
Today feels like just another ordinary day — eventless, thoughtless.
Today, nothing seems important enough to talk about.

And that’s okay too.
Not every day needs to be profound.

Feeling Lost and Questioning Purpose

This post comes from a raw, honest season of figuring things out. I’m keeping it here as part of my story—unfiltered, unframed.

I feel like a useless piece of shit sometimes — and honestly, I’ve felt that way for a very long time.

I’m not focused, disciplined, or clear about what I want from my life. There are so many things I’m passionate about, so many things I could talk about... but what am I doing with all of them?

At the moment, I’m still a slave to a 9-to-5. I don't loathe it, thankfully, but it’s not what I dream about. I want to speak my heart out, curse if I want to, and drop the facade we’re all supposed to wear in public.

Why can’t we just be our raw, authentic selves?

The irony is, the world sees potential in me. I speak English well (even though it’s not my native language), I dress well, I love colors, I have an eye for detail... and yet, I’m stuck feeling like a jack of all trades and master of none.

Everywhere I look, people talk about "0 to 6 figures," "0 to 1000 YouTube subscribers," but we never see the grind behind the scenes. We glorify the destination, not the messy, chaotic journey it takes to get there.

Does any of this resonate with you?

Would you want to create a space where we don't have to pretend?
Because honestly — I’m tired of pretending.